Like a hovering butterfly, sleep
Eludes me, until the dawn of day.
Running through my being
Anxiety prickles inside me.
Like a rushing waterfall in spring
My health is deteriorating by night.
Showing in my hands
Nerves cause a shake.
As the disease in my brain takes over
I learn to cope with the consequences.
I slipped a 45 onto my record player: "Oh, Denise...I'm in love with you..."A moment of total loss, loss of reality sank in, as I sang and danced around the room. Certainly the song was about me! Thus began my love affair with myself and my music.
Next came :Brown Eyed Girl." It was our song, my fiancé's and mine. It carried us off to college. When I hear it, some 40 years later, I still think of those careless days in the sun. No kidding, "Behind The Stadium" with me his brown eyed girl.
Well, the songs that came after that came fast and furious as my mood changed. One moment I was happily singing "My Girl," the next I was crying in my beer with "...breeze, swaying in the summer breeze as we walked by. Soft kisses on a summer day, just you and I. They say that all good things must end someday, autumn leaves must fall. But don't you know that it hurts me so to say good-bye to you..." Happy, sad, happy, etc. my moods were changing rapidly!
There were many "Monday, Monday, can't trust that day..." as well as "The House of The Rising Sun." We had broken up and it plunged me into depression; I tried to kill myself: "96 Tears." But it didn't last and soon I was "...walking on sunshine..."
I started teaching and it occupied 32 years of my life. There was "Barbara Ann," taking his place. I identified with "Walk Like A Man," and later "My Girl" came back around only with a whole new meaning. But "normal" didn't last long and soon I was "Kathy's Clown."
The moods intensified with "...cry me a river..." and "Happy Together;" changes happening in rapid succession some times. Then in 1998 I was diagnosed with bi-polar disease. The doctor tried to take away the highs and lows, "...kind of a drag..." played on the record player. I had driven my closest friend away.
Now days I beat to a different drummer and my soundtrack ends with "Rubber Ball and "Eye of The Dragon!" I'm finally living my life.
Copyright Denise A White
Note of interest: This was written in response to a challenge on READWAVE.
With a sun-drenched sky, my day shows highs, but with the
cloud cover it shows lows.
I thought I was normal, the doctor told me so. Normal then
Is a manic-depressive day.
The sun makes me talk fast, sing, or just dance. I am not in
Control, but flying high,
happy with no cares in the world. So this would be my
Manic side day.
The clouds make me cry or just find me starring. I am not in
Control, but flying low, sad with all
The cares in the world. So this would be my
Depression side day.
Like a mathematical sine curve having only highs and lows,
I am never, no never, in control. I
Either ascend or descend like the weather. Change is consistent
Always infinite. So this would be my