27 December, 2014

Living A Bipolar Life

As I trod through the snow
As I lift my feet high
As I sink back to my knees
As I live my life.


Copyright Denise A White

Ther's always a storm 
Lurking, ready to defeat.

23 November, 2014

Rain To Snow: A Bipolar Life

Rain buckets down
Upon my head, pounding
Pounding me insane.

Withdrawal into my
Secure cacophony of thoughts
Racing like the rain.

Problems solved,
Can't be so far ahead that
My thoughts turn to fog.

Pounding, scrambled,
Racing through time at warp
Speed, never settle on one.

Conversations explode
From  my mouth like lightening and raiin
Brightens my tormented mind

Frozen, my mind turns to snow
I wait while snow drifts through the silenced air
I am calm with the silence in my ear.

Copyright Denise A White

01 November, 2014

Pain

Pain's source, unknown
Excruciating, piercing, pain!

Why me now, in the darkness;                    
Why me now, in the night's middle?

I'll take the bottled medicine,
Hoping it will magically work.

Prayer, out loud, to an unseen spiritual.
Help me, please, I can't do it alone in the dark.

I'll do what you tell me,
The pain needs putting to a deep sleep.

The pain is now just a low furnace burn,
Resulting in a sleepy-eyed, pain tolerable me.



22 October, 2014

Clear

sun at your back, sun
In your eyes
issues are like a bright day
You are blind .

deliver a song
or bitter taste of the coffee bean
harmonize with the birds
or drink of the poison fruit.

clearly you have a choice.

02 October, 2014

Soulful Train

Nightfall tiptoed in
A double rainbow
Announced it.
Pinks, purples filled
My eyes, as the night
Fell inside.

Lights burst on fire
Squinting my brow
Seeing contents.
Dropping chili blinds
Night disappeared out
Pre nightfall, the room
Ran inside.

Feeling closed in, a
Sound from beyond
Opens up.
A soulful train whistle
Pierced ears opening
Nightfall inside.

07 September, 2014

Going Forward

Like a hovering butterfly, sleep
Eludes me, until the dawn of day.
Running through my being
Anxiety prickles inside me.
Like a rushing waterfall in spring
My health is deteriorating by night.
Showing in my hands
Nerves cause a shake.

As the disease in my brain takes over
I learn to cope with the consequences.

Copyright Denise A White

06 September, 2014

Brain Waves: A Cyclic Phenomenon

The wind
Comes racing
Churning up the blue, blue sky.

Blue sky
Turns suddenly
Dark with the thunder head clouds.

Dark clouds
Settle inside my
Very changeable essence.

Essence of doubt
Tingling my taut body
Giving me a sense of anxiety.

Anxiety subsides
As the tornadic storm
Moves into a catatonic state.

Copyright Denise A White

02 September, 2014

Sunsets: Darkness Always Comes (Soundtrack of my life)

I slipped a 45 onto my record player: "Oh, Denise...I'm in love with you..."A moment of total loss, loss of reality sank in, as I sang and danced around the room. Certainly the song was about me! Thus began my love affair with myself and my music.
     Next came :Brown Eyed Girl." It was our song, my fiancĂ©'s and mine. It carried us off to college. When I hear it, some 40 years later, I still think of those careless days in the sun. No kidding, "Behind The Stadium" with me his brown eyed girl.
     Well, the songs that came after that came fast and furious as my mood changed. One moment I was happily singing "My Girl," the next I was crying in my beer with "...breeze, swaying in the summer breeze as we walked by. Soft kisses on a summer day, just you and I. They say that all good things must end someday, autumn leaves must fall. But don't you know that it hurts me so to say good-bye to you..." Happy, sad, happy, etc. my moods were changing rapidly!
     There were many "Monday, Monday, can't trust that day..." as well as "The House of The Rising Sun." We had broken up and it plunged me into depression; I tried to kill myself: "96 Tears." But it didn't last and soon I was "...walking on sunshine..."
     I started teaching and it occupied 32 years of my life. There was "Barbara Ann," taking his place. I identified with "Walk Like A Man," and later "My Girl" came back around only with a whole new meaning. But "normal" didn't last long and soon I was "Kathy's Clown."
     The moods intensified with "...cry me a river..." and "Happy Together;" changes happening in rapid succession some times. Then in 1998 I was diagnosed with bi-polar disease. The doctor tried to take away the highs and lows, "...kind of a drag..." played on the record player. I had driven my closest friend away.
     Now days I beat to a different drummer and my soundtrack ends with "Rubber Ball and "Eye of The Dragon!" I'm finally living my life.

Copyright Denise A White

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Note of interest: This was written in response to a challenge on READWAVE.

26 August, 2014

Profound Haiku

Living inside head
Thoughts never reach out to form
Profound truth not told

Copyright Denise A White

20 August, 2014

Thoughts

Trembling her way
To bed
Focusing on tiny steps
Maintain balance

Mind over life-

Racing away
With thoughts, new
Sleep eludes
Her

Thoughts over life-

Becoming light of day

Copyright Denise A White

15 August, 2014

A Daisy For Robin

Jump on that bicycle
Ride for your life,
Adventures are waiting.
Pick you a bouquet,
A daisy for your lifetime.

Jump on that bicycle
Laughter runs your  life,
Belly laughs and tears.
Arrange the bouquet well,
A daisy for your lifetime.

Jump on that bicycle
Tears fall like rain,
Hurt until you're numb.
Smell the bouquet,
A daisy for your lifetime.

Jump off that bicycle
Breath comes seeping out,
Exist no more.
Watch the bouquet wilt, die,
A daisy for your lifetime.

Copyright Denise A White


16 July, 2014

Mindfulness

Sit still
when
words fail
you.

Relax, quite,
when
silence surrounds
you.

Ignore sounds
when
blank inside
you.

No thought
when
muse enters
you.

Pay attention
when
writing overtakes
you.

Copyright Denise A White

17 June, 2014

Rain

Truth, like the wind
A fleeting moment in time
Believe in the rain that follows
Would the wound heal in the summer sun?

A bluebird still sings
A melody carried forth in the day
When the sun springs forth with healing rays
The heart mends, truth sank in, going forth on a rainbow.

Copyright Denise A White

07 June, 2014

Grass

Morning dew settles
A sweet kiss on my white face
Spring has come to stay

Copyright Denise A White

07 May, 2014

If I Could Fly

If I could fly
would I still live here or would
I find a better place because I could?

If I could fly
would I consult my mind
or my heart for guidance there?

If I could fly
I know my mind holds the
dream, but my heart holds the soul.

Risk is the journey of the soul.

If I could fly
I would like to to think one follows
the heart to that better place that the mind dreams.

If I could fly
I know my gut is always right, because
my mind can play tricks and my heart can be blind.

If I could fly
I would be out of my comfort zone and
step out to new possibilities that provide a great journey.

That's just the way life is.

copyright Denise A White
Across the island filled water to the beyond.-Denise A White  


01 May, 2014

I Wonder Why

I wonder why the birds
sit on the telephone wire
before the rain.

I wonder why the birds
on the wire face west
before the sunsets.

I wonder why the birds
don't fly away to some
place better.

I wonder why I don't
go, too.

Copyright Denise A White
Add caption


25 April, 2014

Fresh Air

Mornings,
like a bright
flower, that
spells sweet,
inviting to
my essence of my soul.

You,
fresh with pleasing,
fragrant, and warm,
invite my eyes into
my essence of soul.
Mornings, warm sun upon my naked body.

Fresh,
air, its dew
dripping now
upon earth
green with
feeling like water collected in my bucket.

Together,
morning light
blazing, love
with us two,
inviting to
our collective, synced oneness in our hearts.

Mornings, fresh, fragrant, smells;
our very beings.



11 April, 2014

Whispers



Whispers at night are
The gossip that burns
 Our bodies and souls.

Nothing good comes
With a whisper in the
Night.

Whispers in the day,
Are truths for no one.
They're minds secrets.

Nothing good comes
With a whisper in the
Day.

Whispers are meant for
No ones good. Say it out
Loud or don't say it at all.

Something good comes
With a whisper
in the
Air.

Copyright Denise A White

The Origin Of My Smile

Last night I had a dream
Waking up through
My laughter, I
Remembered it and smiled.

Last night it was all about
You. It was sweet,
It was joyful. I
Remembered it and smiled.

Last night your eyes sparked
Blue. They were a
Comfort. I
Remembered them and smiled.

Last night your head was full,
It sparked a laugh. It was
Full of jokes. I
Remembered them and smiled.

You are the origin of my smile everyday.
I thank you for my dreams.
Copyright Denise A White

17 March, 2014

Blackbird Sings

When night has fallen
From the deep crimson sky
When daylight no longer is seen
From the negative backside
A dark song is heard-

Blackbird sings.

When night has rested
From the heaviness heard
When a hand is no longer seen
From the echoing cavern
A dark song is heard-

Blackbird sings.

When night resonates
From deep within the soul
When hope is no longer within
From the depths of the mind
A dark song is heard-

Blackbird sings.

Copyright Denise A White

28 February, 2014

Travels

In times of laughter
Travel to,
Travel to,
Your friendship place.

It can be anywhere
Or nowhere,
Or nowhere,
Your comfort place.

The travel of friends
Is always,
Is always,
Your safe place.

Be sure to always
Take time,
Take time,
To travel there.

Copyright Denise A White

01 February, 2014

Spring Creek Awakens

Spring creek, rushing
With the days runoff, carrying
Its rubble, crashing
Into its banks

Tangling with the roots planted there.

Tree roots, growing
With the days rain, carrying
Its life force, rising
Into its branchlets

Tangling with the buds springing forth there.

Night sleep, resting
With the days exercise, agitating
Its host, waking
Into stupor

Tangling with the dreams haphazardly placed there.

Copyright Denise A White

26 January, 2014

Comes A Life

Comes a time
Comes a time
We are set free from our burdens
Free from our
Outward self
To our timeless essence

Comes a time
Comes a time
We no longer live in fear
Free in our
Inside self
To our timeless essence

Comes a time
Comes a time
We have a productive life
Free in our
Mindfulness
To our timeless essence

Comes a time
Comes a time
Comes a life

Copyright Denise A White

Risen

Sometimes a balloon
Rises high above the trees
And your eyes twinkle.

Sometimes a man
Soars gracefully in the blue sky
And your face glows bright.

Sometimes a bird
Flies, rising from the river birch
And you sing with joy.

Sometimes a rocket
Shoots up into the blue sky
And you are in it.

Copyright Denise A White

23 January, 2014

A Manic-Depression Day

Mania and depression come
Barreling in. I thought I was normal,
But normal is not my day.

Sun and rain, one or both,
Swiftly they jump from one to the other.
Normal is not my day.

Don't let the sleeping dog sleep.
When one is stronger than the other,
Normal is not my day.

Copyright Denise A White

19 January, 2014

Being Well

Alive with the light
Coming into clear, strong, thoughts
This day of wellness

Copyright Denise A White

You

Like rain to a plant,
Like sunlight,
Like air,
You-

Give me life.

Like a post to lean on,
Like a recorder,
Like a blanket,
You-

Give me support.

You, my counselor,
You, my friend,
You, my family,
You-

Give me myself.

Copyright Denise A White

Bipolar's Time

In the recesses of the mind
The essence of a single moment
Springs forth with no thought
Of the time.

An angry moment in the mind
Comes without abandon, no brake.
It leaps forth with no thought
Of the time.

A joyful moment in the mind
Comes with an uncontrolled laugh
Bounding forth with no thought
Of the time.

A sorrowful moment in the mind
Comes with a wrenching of tears
Crawling forth with no thought
Of the time.

Anger, joy, or sorrow in the mind
Come with an apology of emotional agony
Wrenching forth with no thought
Of the time.

Copyright Denise A White

13 January, 2014

Healing

Black heat from the coals
Of a fire raging deep,
Deep within, gave me courage
To seek my self.
Black heat void of
All color.

Orange heat from the rage
Of an anxiety, only
Felt within, gave me courage
To seek my self.
Orange heat burns bright
With color.

Yellow heat from the despondency
Of a heavy heart, felt inside
And shown outside, gave me courage
To seek my self.
Yellow heat with the sun's
Vibrant color.

White heat from the day's air
Of a peace resting deep,
Deep within, gave me courage
To seek my self.
White heat aglow with my face's
Radiant color.

The stages of heat were inevitable.
Now I am my self.

Copyright Denise A White

12 January, 2014

Luminosity

The floodlight washes my mind
With neuron sparks from its white
I am set afire; I think.

Like a mind cleansed after a good cry
Washing the cobwebs from the porch, I
Only am amazed at the light.

The tunnel of darkness was waded through
Thoughts were random and confused. They took
On a nighttime of terror, of sadness.

But as I crawled and scratched my way
I saw clearly what to do. It was the light
And from my darkness I was saved.

Copyright Denise A White


10 January, 2014

A Life Saving Beacon

Alone on a ground
Of gray mist, a lone beacon
Shows me the way home.

As the beacon glows
So do my spirits arise;
I follow the path.

The gray mist begins
To lift before my green eyes,
And I hear a sound.

My voice sings out warm
As I grow nearer to home,
With joy in my heart.

Alone on the ground
The sun lights my tangled mind;
I'm now safely home.

Copyright Denise A White

08 January, 2014

A Long Road

A long road, they told me,
We may control it, but
Never cure it.
Bipolar is
Its name.

One drug to control mania, one
For the depression, then
Another and another,
Until a balance is
Maintained.

Coping, and hoping, mind games with
Triggers, until you succumb; high
Spirited with the mania,
Hopeless with the
Depression.

Drugs control mania, and drugs
Control depression; control
Is the word, never cured.
Bipolar is the
Name.

Bipolar is my new name.
Hush, don't you tell.
It’s a stigma to
Live with, to
Retain.

I am now a new normal;
My norms, the doctors',
My family’s,
or it is my
Friend's.

A long road, it is controlled, never cured.

Copyright Denise A White

07 January, 2014

Into The Light

Coming, coming into the light,
Years of sadness and joy unite,
Becoming free to see myself.

Into the light-

Feeling my essence,
Knowing the present,
Becoming aware.

Into the light-

Feeling very hopeful,
Knowing what the future holds,
Becoming normal again.

Into the light

Feeling burdens melt,
Knowing how the past felt,
Becoming calm within.


Coming, coming into the light.

Copyright Denise A White

05 January, 2014

Manic-Depressive Days

With a sun-drenched sky, my day shows highs, but with the
cloud cover it shows lows.
I thought I was normal, the doctor told me so. Normal then
Is a manic-depressive day.

The sun makes me talk fast, sing, or just dance. I am not in
Control, but flying high,
happy with no cares in the world. So this would be my
Manic side day.

The clouds make me cry or just find me starring. I am not in
Control, but flying low, sad with all
The cares in the world. So this would be my
Depression side day.

Like a mathematical sine curve having only highs and lows,
I am never, no never, in control. I
Either ascend or descend like the weather. Change is consistent
Always infinite. So this would be my
Manic-depressive days.


Copyright Denise A White

01 January, 2014

A Conversation With Myself

Within me, I will find
A new sense of calm, my essence.
Today I can think.

I am innocent, today, of all of my emotions.

Anger,
Anxiety,
And depression.

I am a clean slate, today, waiting to be written on.

Person,
People,
And environment.

I am a white board, today, looking for color.

Evoke my anger, shouts-
Schizophrenic.
Evoke my anxiety, pace-

Manic.
Evoke my change, introvert-
Depression.

Today, I find
A new sense of calm, my  essence.
I converse within.

Copyright Denise A White